winds_voice | 14 - [Action/Voice]

[For those who pass by Eley today as he wanders through the village, they might notice there's something a bit... off about him. Perhaps it won't become readily apparent until they speak with him, but there's an almost hopeless look in his eyes and he seems almost reluctant to make any move to do anything himself. He might stop in front of a shop as if wondering if he should go inside... only to change his mind. Others also might see him watching them doing whatever they're doing, a look that tells them 'no, don't do that'. It's unnerving to say the least. Maybe someone should find out what's going on with him!

At some point he ends up sitting by his recently planted tree up on the Cherry Blossom Hill. It's here he makes a short and rather strange recording.]

[Voice]

I am beginning to wonder why I keep trying. Trying to mend things that are broken, trying to fit in where I do not belong, trying to express feelings I do not understand... and every time I regret how helpless and fruitless I am.

I cannot save anyone... I could not save those who came before.

I should give up. And so should all of you. After all, you cannot regret a decision you never made.

(OOC: So it's time for Eley to be suffering under the effects of the Heart Shard of Regret! Feel free to talk to him about his odd mood or find him under the tree/wandering the village~)

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[...so he was hiding something? Eley didn't want to pry too much if it was something personal but... he had to admit that he worried for Rudy and not knowing exactly what was going on bothered him more than it likely should.

He'd admitted that there was something though. Maybe it was okay to ask in this case?[

Rudy... what is wrong?

[... Well. This situation certainly turned up on its head. He'd came here intending to ask Eley what was wrong, and instead Eley is asking him about his own problems. There was definitely no sidestepping out of the issue now. Despite that... Rudy did come here for a reason.]

That's... a question I meant to ask you, actually. [He looks down, hesitating to bring this subject up.] I saw what happened earlier.

Ah... yes, of course.

[Now the Spirit seems a little embarrassed again. He had pushed that situation to the back of his mind whilst talking about other things. It had been a welcome distraction... but he should have known that his friend would be concerned for him.]

I... was not feeling myself. Something seemed to come to possess me for a time and draw out all of my regrets. I became overwhelmed.

I see. ... I thought it might have been something personal, so I came here instead.

[Rudy frowns, still staring at the ground in contemplation. That was a possession?]

You seemed like you had a lot on your mind then. Is it something you still want to talk about?

There are... many things I do not often talk about. Recently it seems that I have talked about nothing else.

[He gives a soft sigh, staring at a spot on the ground.]

I have lived for a very long time, Rudy. I have seen much that I wish I could have changed, but I have always lacked the power to do so. That and... well, I really should not have such an interest in the first place. I should not care for humans at all.

Yet I do... especially now. I realise that I have done much to hurt others just as much as they have done to me. And while I have done much... I also have failed to do anything when I was needed.

[Rudy quietly listens as the older spirit goes on. It's true he couldn't really relate to all of it, not being a spirit or any deity-like being of sorts. But deep down, there was a few things he could relate to. Anyone could. Wanting to change something, but not having the means to do so. Hurting others and being hurt, or even being helpless to stop anything...]

... Why do you say that?

...I was not always as kind as I may appear to you now. In fact, one of the earliest emotions I came across was the feeling of betrayal. I... did not respond to it well. Many people... died because of me.

[He still isn't looking at Rudy, and it's obvious he finds it hard to admit such a thing. Those who knew had not changed their opinion of him thus far, but that didn't mean it couldn't happen.]

As an immortal being, I have also seen my fair share of sickness and death. I did not have many friends in Aether... but those I did have... those I do, are important to me. More than they likely realise.

[... What?

Rudy suddenly looks up at Eley, his expression a mix of concern and bewilderment. Eley was sharing a great deal--more than he'd even expected. He couldn't see his face, but he didn't have to. The apprehension in Eley's voice already said enough. ... Sharing something like that wasn't easy. That much Rudy knew.

Rudy is silent, not even sure what to say. He tries to reach out, then hesitates. There's so many things he wants to say to Eley, but nothing would come out. Until finally...]

... I'm sorry. [There's a brief pause, as his expression turns downcast.] I had no idea. I can't imagine what that must have felt like...

[Eley really wasn't expecting anything. No specific words or reaction from Rudy. He just wanted to let those thoughts out, confide in a friend he supposed. Though he had already done a great deal of talking, he hadn't been feeling himself then. His emotions had seemed to take control of him. Now he had that degree of control, it was his choice to divulge whatever information he wanted to.]

It is not something I would expect anyone to know. In truth, I should not feel anything in reaction to death or the passing of time. It is simply... a natural event. Besides, humans kill all the time, even each other. Is it really any worse when a Spirit chooses to do the same? Perhaps... they expect too much of us.

... But you still regret it. You still feel pain over what happened.

[Rudy closes his eyes, his voice taking on a reflective tone. He raises a hand, placing it over his chest.]

There's nothing wrong with that. Death might happen all the time, but it still hurts when it does, doesn't it? ... Anyone would feel the same. It's sad... painful, even; but it's part of life. It's one part of what defines us and shapes who we are as people.

[Eley watches as Rudy rests a hand on his chest. It was a simple action, but somehow Eley could sense that it had some meaning. Rudy... understood.]

I wonder then if a Spirit is ever truly living... It seems we are capable of change - I am an example of that - but... at our core, are we really, truly living beings? When we die, the planet will die with us. Or if the planet dies, so will we. We have no knowledge of death or mortality... we simply are.

[He pauses before adding.]

...at least we do not if we choose to ignore humans. Now I pay too much attention to it, to them. It is no wonder my heart feels heavy with regrets. I am not sure how long I can stand to watch people dying whether it is time that claims them or something else.

You know, I think you just answered your own question.

[His eyes remain closed as he continues.]

You may not grow old or know death, but you still know what it means for someone to die anyway. You even said so yourself. Because you pay attention, doesn't that mean you already understand the weight of a life?

[There's a brief pause from him, gripping the fabric of his jacket as he recalls familiar words in the back of his mind. Not just words, but memories as well; both fond, nostalgic, yet also not without twinges of pain to them as well.]

To watch someone die... it's incredibly painful. Especially- [He hesitates. He could feel his voice locking up in his throat already as a stinging, unpleasant memory flashes through his mind.] Especially when there's nothing you can do about it. [He stops, allowing himself a moment to recover.] ... You feel that same pain, just like we do.

[There was weight to those words and Eley didn't have to be a human to understand just how hard Rudy was finding it to relive those memories. The Spirit pauses... He understood that as well. The helpless feeling of watching someone die and being powerless to stop it.

It hurt.]

Yes... I believe I do. While it is always sad to watch the decline of human life, it is worse when you feel some... connection with an individual. People call me a god and yet I am only designed to do so much. I am not a god... I am a tool of Aether.

I know this, and yet I still wish that I could do more.

[At that, Eley finds himself paying greater attention to Rudy. He hesitantly reaches out a hand and places it on his shoulder, trying not to startle him too much since his eyes are closed.]

I am sorry for your pain.

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