winds_voice | 14 - [Action/Voice]

Entry tags:

14 - [Action/Voice]

[For those who pass by Eley today as he wanders through the village, they might notice there's something a bit... off about him. Perhaps it won't become readily apparent until they speak with him, but there's an almost hopeless look in his eyes and he seems almost reluctant to make any move to do anything himself. He might stop in front of a shop as if wondering if he should go inside... only to change his mind. Others also might see him watching them doing whatever they're doing, a look that tells them 'no, don't do that'. It's unnerving to say the least. Maybe someone should find out what's going on with him!

At some point he ends up sitting by his recently planted tree up on the Cherry Blossom Hill. It's here he makes a short and rather strange recording.]

[Voice]

I am beginning to wonder why I keep trying. Trying to mend things that are broken, trying to fit in where I do not belong, trying to express feelings I do not understand... and every time I regret how helpless and fruitless I am.

I cannot save anyone... I could not save those who came before.

I should give up. And so should all of you. After all, you cannot regret a decision you never made.

(OOC: So it's time for Eley to be suffering under the effects of the Heart Shard of Regret! Feel free to talk to him about his odd mood or find him under the tree/wandering the village~)

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Yes... it should be that easy, should it not?

[Yet it was more complicated than that. It was if some part of his heart had been taken over by someone else and that someone else was warring against his own emotions. He felt conflicted... he wanted to push everyone away but at the same time he wanted to draw them closer. What was he supposed to do with that?]

I feel as though I do not really want to be alone, yet my heart is... implying that I should be. I do not want to simply protect myself. I want to protect others... I do not want to see them hurt.

Yes, my friends are important to me.

I don't know if anybody wants to be alone.

But some have no choice. Maybe we do not choose loneliness, but loneliness has chosen us.

[We. Us. Words he didn't mean to use, but they just slipped out of his thoughts. There is something about seeing someone so broken, so close to the edge of abandoning hope, that makes him feel like he might stand to touch him. Kindred spirits, faint and feeble.

His breath hitches quietly when he realizes where his thoughts have delved.]

[With those words, Eley finds himself turning back to more positive thoughts. Because he doesn't agree... no, it doesn't make sense that an emotion can force itself on an individual like that.

Or so he thought anyway... isn't that exactly what these feelings of regret are like now?]

No, I do not believe we have no choice. Everyone has a choice, it just depends on how much they want to act. If you have the will to confront your ill-emotions... perhaps they will eventually disappear.

Perhaps... I am still trying to wrestle with my own emotions and find a clear path.

[He wants to write that there is no clear path, but wouldn't that undo every conviction he's tried to wrap himself in over the past few months? The dilapidated hope that he can do something to take charge of his life here. The same kind of desperate hope that had dragged him through life in his world, never realizing that what he sought was not waiting for him at the end of all his struggles.

So he thinks, and then tries not to think, and eventually writes a question instead.]

What if there is no clear path? What will you do then?

I am not sure if I can answer that.

[It was one thing he couldn't be sure of... how he would react to a dead end. It was possible that he would find the strength to persevere and fight on, particularly with the aid of his friends. It was also quite possible that he would give up completely.]

Should I give up completely I will fade away to nothing... I will effectively die. A Spirit lives for as long as it has purpose. Without it, we are no more.

But... my friends give me strength, of that I am certain. With them, I may stand a chance should things ever become that desperate. They give me purpose when I can no longer find one myself.

Such a convenient being. Living without any purpose is worse than death. [When it came down to it, he would always choose the latter. He had already done so once, and he had half wished for it countless times in the dark months of solitude he had suffered here.

But now he has a purpose, right? He found one...he found something to strive for, to seek until his muscles burn, deadening the ache deeper inside him...]

What if your friends abandon you? What if they're taken away? I thought you didn't want to get hurt anymore.

...you sound as though you have experienced such a thing. If so, I am sorry. Still, I hope that things have now improved. If not, there is always something else to turn to. It is just a case of looking.

[But those questions were very real ones and Eley knew that any of those things could happen to him. He had already been abandoned once before by his people and even now more and more were beginning to forget about him. Mithos was right, he didn't want to feel that pain again.]

I can only hope that those things will not happen. You are right, I do not want to be hurt. I have been betrayed, abandoned before... it is that very thing that seemed to provoke some emotion in me. I must have become too invested in my people without realising it.

...and then I acted upon it and hurt... killed countless humans in my rage. This I regret deeply, among other things. I cannot allow my emotions to consume me like that again.

I don't think there's anything to regret, and nothing to be forgiven. You have every right to be angry after you've been betrayed and abandoned. It's natural to want to hurt those who have caused you pain, is it not?

I was abandoned by everyone I once thought I could trust, and betrayed too many times to count. I could do nothing but hate every single person who wronged me. Those feelings are difficult to let go of. [Or difficult to escape from...]

That's how my sister was taken from me. We were betrayed. When that happened, I felt like I'd been wronged by the entire world. Everyone was guilty, and I wanted them to be punished.

It is understandable. It is natural to feel that way and for those feelings to only worsen should these events happen time and time again. I am sorry for your loss... and for the wrongdoings others have done to you.

For a long time since I took Agkelos to the sky I would prevent all attempts to find it and to step upon its soil. Should a ground-dweller attempt it, I would simply blow them away with little thought to the consequences. The Agkelons may have grown to hate the ground-dwellers just as much as I did... but they also valued human lives. They were created to be peacekeepers after all. Why then should I follow the path of violence?

Violence has done me no good in the long-term. Neither have those bitter feelings. I do not suggest you simply cast those emotions away, that would be unreasonable, but try to look beyond it. Find someone who can help to quell those feelings, no matter how little at first.

Why value the lives of those who do not value you?

I have hated for too long. I've been angry for too long. I've forgotten how not to hate, how not to be angry. [And the sadness. The loneliness. The despair that coils around him. He won't say anything about that.] There are people who I can be happy around. At least, I can be happier around them. But even then

[He stops writing, pen pressing down hard in the same spot, not moving.] They're all gone anyway.

For me, it may just be a simple fascination. Humans are fragile creatures and the way they use their time is of interest to me, whether they care for me or not. Particularly while I am trapped in a human body here. Even those who are not of the human race have their own customs and culture. We can all learn from one another if we take the time to try it.

Besides... I was placed on Aether to help nurture a more peaceful planet. If I were to turn my back on the people dwelling there, I can never accomplish this. If I were to ignore my goal... I fear that I may lose all sense of purpose entirely. Perhaps... you have already faced that situation. But you are still here, so it is not too late.

The very fact that you admitted there was a hint of happiness surrounding your bonds with certain individuals is a sign that it is not too late. There are people... and there will be more people. Even if the ones you loved are gone, there are countless more to find and to love again.

[Eley pauses himself now. He's not really sure what's becoming of him and his words... his thoughts seem to be spilling out onto the page. Why was he so desperate to help this stranger?]

...but if you never stop to look then you will never know what it is like to feel that happiness again. If you see a chance, if you find an offer, I would suggest that you take it.

[He won't write that he's paralyzed. He hones in on more questions and arguments, staving off anything like answers. Answers are solid, or at least the illusion of it; a bridge between the two of them, and he doesn't want to test its durability.]

But they turned their back on you first, didn't they? And aren't the people here just like them? [But they aren't. Not all of them. He knows so many who have thrown off his assumptions. It's always sudden, always alarming. Vertigo-inducing.]

...no. In fact I have found the people here to be far more receptive to me than even those who would be familiar with my kind at home. The people of Aether are fast losing their faith in the Spirits of the world, turning instead to machines and technology. Here... there are many who are familiar with Spirits on their own world or who are fascinated enough to listen, even when they do not understand.

I have made far more friends here than I ever did at home. In a way, it hurts to think that I may one day leave them all behind... just to return to a simple life as a Spirit.

I would never wish for anyone to stay here and feel utterly alone.

Weren't you going to give up on trying to belong? Didn't you believe you were fated to be alone too?

[Too, like something connecting them. Something he tells himselfhe doesn't want. There is a desperation behind his words that can't translate into dark letters against white paper.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

14 - [Action/Voice]

[written - private]

[written - private]

[written - private]

[written - private]

[written - private]

[written - private]

[written - private]

[written - private]

[written - private]

[written - private]

[written - private]

[written - private]

[written - private]

[written - private]