winds_voice | 13 - [Video/Action]

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13 - [Video/Action]

[Eley seems to be sitting near the site of his recently planted tree by the river today. With the journal held in front of him and perched on his lap, you can catch glimpses of the grassy bank behind him and perhaps a flash of colour from the hill in the distance. The sound of flowing water can also be heard from the nearby river.

The Spirit himself seems rather thoughtful again.]

As a deity in my world I am not unfamiliar with the idea that humans are always desiring one thing or another. People are always wishing, always hoping, and they often turn to me for a way to achieve that which they most want. They vary greatly... from a general desire for peace and health to something more specific, such as finding a partner or acquiring an item they have been wanting for some time. I have also experienced terrible greed firsthand... a greed that has severed good ties between nations and even threatened to destroy one in the process.

In the past I would not share these desires, but since I have steadily grown to feel more human since my stay here I am beginning to wonder what it is that I truly want... and what I might do to gain it.

Is there really any point to holding onto futile dreams? Longing for something that you are certain you cannot have? When does it become necessary to hold onto such a hope and when does it become a problem?

And I must ask... what is it that you desire most? More importantly, what would you do to attain it?

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I would say that the first step is to allow it. To be so lonely, you must be isolated. Your sadness and anger will then be contained to one place. Both can be dangerous in a person when they overflow... and you will likely drive others away as well, further contributing to your loneliness. A vicious cycle, I believe it is called.

You need not express your feelings to everyone. Perhaps one or two other individuals. I have heard that sometimes it can help to write a diary to put those undesirable thoughts on paper... contain them somewhere else.

Ultimately, it is down to you to take the first step. If you wish to improve, you can. Do not be afraid to ask for help.

I'm afraid to let anyone in. [Something he would never openly admit out loud, but there is a strange freedom in pen and paper.] I don't know who would listen.

[But...maybe that's not true. Jeb. Freyjadour. Others who had offered their hands and ears. Would they really be there for him if he gave them the chance? Or would they realize he wasn't worth it, get bored, walk away like everyone else? What if he tries, and nothing changes? The doubts pull him down, keeping him huddled low to the ground as if waiting for an explosion, shrapnel, pain.]

It can be a... difficult thing. I did not have particularly good dealings with humans myself at one time and only recently have I learned to let certain individuals close.

However, I am a being used to listening to others. I certainly would not mind. In fact you could argue that I am listening now, despite these words being written.

[He doesn't want to find comfort in this. He doesn't want to be fooled into thinking he's not alone. He's alone. He's still alone. Words on a page don't change that - they run only as deep as the paper.]

Most people will say one thing while meaning another. [And even if he won't admit it, he's no different. When he pushes people away, he's screaming - from somewhere deep inside, buried, smothered - please stay, please help me.]

Some people, yes.

[Humans could be very deceptive, Eley knew that. It could be one of their worst traits when used for selfish means.]

I do not believe they are all that way, however. Yet... finding those who are honest takes a certain degree of time... and trust. I am also discovering this. I believe it has been worth it for the friends I have made.

Trust is important... but it is difficult to find.

[Stillness on his end. He doesn't want to talk about himself anymore. It would be inaccurate to say that he's tired of it - because it's an outlet he needs, his feelings raw, his body a paper bag trying uselessly to contain a roaring geyser. He's afraid of it, the intimacy of sharing fragile thoughts, even if nobody else knows whose thoughts they are.]

What is it that you want more than anything?

...that is something I feel I am still trying to discover myself. As a Spirit, my desires were clear. All I longed for was the ability to carry out my purpose and for the planet to continue living. Now I have become more human, I find myself desiring a great many things.

I desire to learn and experience new things. I desire to keep the friends I have made and make new ones. I desire for humans to find peace and happiness... and a time when war is unnecessary. I... also feel that I have a desire to belong and to be remembered. And perhaps a desire to be loved as well.

[To belong...to be loved... What he wished for a long time ago, what he still aches for even though he tries not to. But it is impossible not to.

And to be loved... He can feel the dull thud of his heart as the unexplored shades of that deceptively simple word slowly seep in. Kaori... He quickly crumples the thoughts.]

And do you feel that these are all things you cannot have?

[It is Eleytheria's confusion, mirroring the endless questions inside himself, that snags him. What is it that he wants? He thought he had worked out the answer already, so many times before, but more questions always push up to break his answer apart. It's happening again. An endless cycle.]

[Eley has to think about that. He was already learning and experiencing new things so he knew that that was not beyond his reach. At least not in Luceti, where he was free to focus on other things beyond his simple purpose on Aether. He had made friends and so far he had not lost many, though he knew that was always a possibility. He could wake up one day and they could all be gone... and he would be alone again. Eley isn't sure how he would take it now that he had grown so familiar with them.

The others were more difficult things to envision...]

I have already achieved some of what I desire. However, things like war and peace are complicated matters. I am not sure if I will ever live to see the world I wish to see, even though I will continue to live to the end of all things on Aether.

Love... is still something that I am not sure I entirely understand either. Perhaps I never will. I should not really be disappointed by it but... I have a certain longing, I believe.

[Again, Eley's words mirror his own fragile heart, and he feels a sickening pull inside him, toward something unknown.] The world I wish for, too, is an impossibility.

[This quiet admission still quakes through him with enough terrible force that his hand trembles as he writes it. But he hadn't wanted to talk about himself... He doesn't. He cautions himself against unfurling his heart, because he knows how bad he is at keeping everything shut tight. It all spills out eventually.

Hesitantly, he'll allow a question.]

What do you believe love is?

Originally I believed 'love' to be an emotion specifically linked to romance. Since then I have come to understand that there are various forms of love. The love between friends and family members, for example. Still, I am not sure if I have ever experienced such a thing... or how to recognise it if I have. Either way, it seems to be a rather complex and sometimes volatile emotion, from what I have seen.

[He's not letting the other words go either. He's been answering lots of questions here, maybe he should try asking some himself.]

What is this impossible world that you have longed for?

[There's no obligation to answer. There's no obligation to write anything at all. But something pulls him, keeps pulling at him, to push out more words.]

I wanted a world where I could belong. I wanted to be accepted. But I learned a long time ago that there would never be a place for me in the world, for as long as it was filled with fear and hatred.

That's why I wish for a world for just me and the few people who matter to me. We wouldn't have to share it with anyone else. [But it's not what his sister wanted. And he doesn't know about Kaori, or Sayo. They all have others they would want to share their world with - how many? - while he has only them. His heart feels cold, like a greying husk of a plant before winter.]

Sometimes I'm afraid that what would make me happy wouldn't make anyone else happy. But I can't find happiness if I'm alone.

I feel that everyone longs to find a place to belong... to be accepted by others. However, I am not sure if it will ever be possible for all people to accept one another, as much as I wish for it myself.

You are right though that finding happiness alone is a difficult... near impossible task. Your friends... family... people you trust, they are the ones who will make you feel like you belong. If I had not made friends in Luceti, I would be suffering far more, I am certain. This place has spirits of its own and it is not my domain. It feels... intrusive for me to be here.

[He pauses, imagining that world he described. A world containing only the few people he trusted and wanted to share his life with. It sounded familiar actually... it was not all that different to what he had done after he had been betrayed by his old followers.]

There was a time when I was hurting and angry. At that time I turned to one race of people and I stole them from the land below. I trusted this race. They were peacekeepers, abused by the other kingdoms of Aether, and so they too knew my pain. We made a promise and I protected them, taking their kingdom to the sky. Yet... I had not known how ignorant they would become, how much they would come to loathe the people of the ground and how isolated they would feel. I saved them from certain death, yet I kept them for too long.

There... is no perfect world, no matter how much your heart and mind may try to convince you. A world needs balance to truly thrive. You may believe that world containing only your friends would make you happy, but I know in the end you would regret it, as I regret my own past decisions. There are too many connections in this world that should not be broken.

I was once as powerful as a god. A long time ago, I set aside a parcel of land and sent it into the skies, so that at least some of my people could live free from the endless persecution we must suffer. They lived isolated from the world, but that meant they were isolated from the pain of hatred. Was that not better? Better than a life of constant fear, a life lived like a slave, no better than a beast?

I spent my whole life trying to build the perfect world. I know it's impossible. I don't need you to tell me. I don't regret it, though. [A long pause, and then he carefully writes in an addendum, like a held breath.]

I don't want to regret it. I don't want to think that I suffered for nothing all those years. [But it was for nothing, wasn't it? He could have spared himself from so much hurting, so much disappointment, if he had just died completely with his sister...]

[Given that explanation, Eley found himself struggling a little to counter with an argument of his own. He knew of people in his own world who were treated in much the same way, though nothing had been done about it yet. If it had been them he had saved rather than the Agkelons, would things have been different? Would they have been happy?]

In that case... I see that you were only trying to do what was best for your people. You tried to do what you felt was right. I do not feel that anyone could blame you for wanting to take that path after being treated so harshly.

Despite the consequences of your actions, I am sure that regret is not the only thing to come from them. And if you wish to correct your mistakes or at least work towards something better, you still have time as long as you are here. Alive. Do not throw that away.

No world is perfect, but we can still work together to make it better. It is not unheard of for those suffering under persecution to break free and make a stand in the world as equals... even if I wish that it did not have to happen in the first place.

It wasn't a mistake. [No matter how many doubts have seeped into him, that's one thing he's still sure of.] None of it was a mistake, because it was what I needed to do.

[Constructing the world into his kingdom to suit his own needs. The countless attempts to resurrect his sister. Extinguishing so many lives to populate the world with lifeless existences. But can you regret something - even though he said he doesn't want to, he insists, with the desperation of a man with a noose around his neck - that wasn't a mistake?] Perhaps the mistake was in caring what happened to that filthy world.

Edited 2013-09-04 13:04 (UTC)

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